Not more than two or three days ago, I had a brief discussion with a friend (she will recognize herself) about my son. Jeremy has grown up a lot in the past year or so, working, going to community college, and becoming an independent person in many ways. It was very abrupt because he had been an extremely dependent kid, no doubt because of his history of Tourette Syndrome, ADHD, and OCD. He didn't used to go out much, and hung out with us, seeming much younger than his years.
All of a sudden, when he graduated from high school and got his driver's license, everything changed very suddenly. We seldom saw him. He was out constantly with new friends, few of which we ever met. He stayed out till late at night, and I caught him smoking weed in the house.
When that happened, I decided that to throw a fit would be counter-productive and hypocritical on my part. So I made him promise not to drive stoned and to avoid using other drugs and drink, especially when he was driving, at work, or at school. He assured me he would not.
Well today Richard told me Jeremy got busted by the cops and has a DUI. To make it worse, there was weed in the car. He has to go to court.
Jeremy was very upset, R. told me, and has agreed to forfeit his Chanukah present (which was supposed to be a new queen sized bed and linens) to pay for the rise in insurance costs and fines.
I don't know what to do. I haven't gotten to talk to him yet, but I plan to tell him that I want us all to go into family counseling and that I want him to go back on medication.
In addition to all of this, I also learned he failed his career planning class for lack of work. He lost his syllabus early on, and repeatedly emailed the teacher and asked her also in person to give him another syllabus. I even emailed her. She never sent it. So he didn't know about assignments. Of course, he could have asked other students in the class. He was clearly at fault, but she also had some responsibility for this. She has no Blackboard site and never checks her email, apparently. But for whatever reason, he failed a very easy class!
Things are not going well.
5 comments:
I'm so sorry, Robbie
I think it's a good thing that he will lose his license for a year. For one thing, he will have to come to school at IVC, where I know what he's up to. And he'll find out what it means to pay the consequences. It will cost us $2000 to hire a lawyer! Ouch.
Take the keys. Tough love!
Beth
Beth,
We want him to work. If the court takes his license, he'll have to walk to work or get a different job. Also, he'll have to transfer to IVC. He flunked all his classes at SCC his past semester anyway. But he is very ashamed and remorseful. Plus he is grounded for two weeks and has to pay for the fines, up to his ability to pay.
THe lawyer is expensive. We will have to pay for it. There goes Chanukah.
Robinka,
The syllabus problem sounds terribly familiar... He's not the only boy not to straighten out a little but essential issue like that.
Perhaps there is a good side to all this--an early shaking may be better than one down the pike.
It's not hypocrisy to hold him to demands (even if you broke a few demands yourself, long ago). It's just being a parent and doing what's right for your son. Boys with extra challenges don't need to add on even more difficulty. Don't beat yourself up!
You are working very hard for your son and parents. Be sure to be nice to yourself along the way.
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