I am never short of worries, and in this I suppose I am like most everyone else. Right now, I am worried about my yoga teacher, Denise. She goes in for surgery tomorrow to have the breast implant in one of her breasts taken out and replaced. Generally, when implants go wrong, they simply deflate. Hers seemed to get bigger. That didn't make sense, so the surgeon wants to go in and take it out and examine the situation. But today she told me that the surgeon had found a large tumor underneath it. He told her there was no return of the cancer she had before, and she hopes that he has taken a biopsy of this tumor and found it benign. In any case, what was a rather humorous and bizarre situation has now turned rather sinister and dark. Denise is one of the best, most creative and exuberant teachers I know. I hope for her full recovery.
However, I am not going to be able to be very useful to her or to anyone else because I am so overloaded right now. I am not sure why, but the burden of caring for my parents seems much harder to bear for me right now. I am chafing under it, and want to escape sometimes. I think I need a rest.
2 comments:
The wish to escape is so normal, and I hope you (please!) let yourself go ahead and feel this. I remember in August of 2006, I had to live with my parents until I could set up round-the-clock caretakers. This went on for what now seems like more than a week. It was hot, I was missing inservice meetings, fall classes were about to start, and I felt frantic. I distinctly remember driving on a street in Laguna Woods and crying and saying aloud, "I want to go home, I want to go home."
It's absolutely normal to want your life back.
I hope that all turns out well for your yoga teacher.
That is exactly how I feel. I want my life back. I have not had my own life for the longest time. And I am remembering why I got as far away as I could from my parents to begin with. They always had the capacity to eat me alive, as far as asking so much I felt unable to give. But they need me now for sure, and that's why I am there.
Not being able to get my work done for school or to be there for my friends, like my yoga teacher or my friend Jerry in choir, is hard. People think I simply don't care about them, but that's not it. In order to survive, I have to carve out some tiny little moments for myself.
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