Yesterday I took my dad to the psychiatrist. He seemed as if he were about to plunge into a bipolar cycle of ups and downs (mostly downs). His temper was more volitile than usual and he occasionally did not sleep. I had the feeling of extreme nervousness around him I used to have before he was on meds and he might snap any moment and begin ranting and raging uncontrollably, lashing out at whomever was in range and some who were not.
So the doctor doubled his meds. I hope that helps. But at the same time, it came to light that the medications he is taking to lower his extremely high blood pressure were so lowering his heart rate that it is in the dangerous range. We don't have much choice. Either we can cut back on the blood pressure meds and risk organ failure from the high blood pressure or keep it as is and risk heart failure. Not much of a choice, is it? I hate having to be the one who makes it, but there is no way to escape from that.
Sometimes I get so anxious to escape this unrelenting choicelessness that it is like walking uphill in mud. I try to distract myself, but the ache in my quads from slogging uphill is too great for that to work. The things I like to do normally, like going to yoga class, cooking, shopping, reading, even writing, talking to friends, going to movies, eating at new restaurants, are not the joy they were before. I have to work to do them too. But since I don't see a choice (as usual), I will go on with what I am doing.
5 comments:
This week I had lunch with a friend who is very ill, and has never been ill before. The friend expressed frustration at the feeling of suspension and of not knowing. I said that I understood those feelings, and that I had learned to handle them by not thinking in terms of next year or next month, but of a picnic on Sunday. To live right now.
Remember when you said you were going to try to give less time and energy to your parents and more to your family. Is that working? I know that you have to make hard decisions, but you are the only one who can make those decisions. Try thinking in terms of which decision is kindest for all.
I have forced myself not to give up my entire weekend to amuse my parents. At this point, there is little they can do anyhow, and then I just feel exhausted, depressed, and resentful, so I show up my one day a week (not counting trips to the doctor). However, my dad then was so depressed, I felt bad. I will still persevere in my one day per week policy, however.
RE: the kindest decision, the truth is that if my dad dies first, that leaves me with a huge problem (not that there is anything I can do about it).
My mom expects to be babied and pampered, but there will be little money once the pensions stop. They are my dad's.
She won't be able to go to the center anymore because of her dementia. That will be awful. With the money we have left, our options are very limited.
But there is little use to worry about this. You're right that it has to be a one day at a time thing.
RE: giving energy to my family, they don't want my energy. Jeremy is exploring his independence. Naturally, he has little use for me right now, except to do his laundry, that is. That's to be expected.
Richard has never been one to hang out with me very much. He is a solitary cuss. So I don't know whether he is so grateful for my attention.
I'll keep trying. I think that they like having me around even if they don't show it.
Tough decisions, Robbi. I hope you keep going.
Hello Barbara! Are you the poet whose work I commented on in Qarrtsiluni yesterday? That was a wonderful poem.
Thank you in any case for visiting my blog.
I don't have the choice not to go on. There is no one to take my place, and regardless of the fact that for years I had to flee my parents when my dad's mental illness became too much for me to take, now that he is helpless and elderly and this illness is controlled by medication, I have to keep on going somehow.
By the way, Barbara, check out my poems on Qarrtsiluni. I have several.
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