After my parents died, part of the reason I was so devastated was not just that I had lost my parents and my whole life was going to change, but that this meant I had to ask myself how I wanted my life to change, what I really wanted for my life, now that I could actually pursue something I wanted. I realized I didn't really know, but the more I have sat with that thought, the more I have realized that I want to write more and more, want to teach other things besides only composition, more workshops, literature. To do that I have to ask myself what I want to do. Do I look for part-time jobs elsewhere in addition to the one I have, such as teaching Humanities Core at the University, if that comes up (I loved that job, when I had it) or do I wait for my books to get published, which I hope will someday happen, and then hope some more that I receive enough notice to perhaps pick up MFA residency positions? How likely is that? Am I engaging in a total fantasy here?
And what does that mean about buying a house? Should I buy a house here, or simply move to a different apartment and wait to see how all this turns out? So many things to think about. So confusing.