Thursday, December 10, 2009

Not resisting rhyme

Today I could not help feeling that the last poem needed to rhyme. It was wrong of me not to let it.
So here's a revision:
Viloma Pranayama
In the quiet darkness, the stately
planets prance, wheeling in their
orbits, like partners in a dance.
The sun inspects its minions,
reclining on its throne. Mars, then Venus
passes, until Earth stands alone.
It bows before his majesty, low,
then lower, lowest. Then seems to
bite off brightness, in incrimental bits,
so that the sun shrinks to one line
and finally disappears. For me,
beneath the coral tree, a thousand
shadows mass, ghostly-green
coronas, wavering on the path.

4 comments:

Lou said...

In the last seven lines, you seem to find words to say what you mean even within the rhyme.

Robbi said...

Thanks Lou. Yes, this is exactly what I wanted to describe, the eclipse's shadow, multipled many times, formed by the shadows coming through the leaves.

liz said...

Robbi,
this one, for me, is the jewel in the crown of your series of poetic gifts.
Namaste (and Mazel Tov ;)

Robbi said...

So you like the rhyme better? I like the Namaste and Mazel Tov! I think I'll use that!
I went to Denise's class today because she's leaving for England on the 17th and won't be back till after the first of the year, so in anticipation, and also because my hip has been hurting me and Bob's three hour workshop didn't help it at all, I went to her class Weds. and today.