Tuesday, April 20, 2010

How To Feel

People have asked me how I feel and how my dad reacted to the news that his heart disease is untreatable. His response was sober and stoic. He is clearly sad, but resigned. I feel a crazy sense of relief. Maybe that is horrible. After all, despite the tough times with my father before he was medicated and the insanity of the demands both my parents' health and welfare have made on me, I love them and care about them.
I would do anything to keep them safe. But there is something freeing in knowing I cannot do, cannot be expected to do, anything more for my father, and very little for my mom.
I know there will be difficult times ahead, but perhaps it is because I know they will have a limit that I feel this way. But feelings are feelings, and I know better than to condemn or second guess them.

2 comments:

marly said...

Well, you can feel this way without any condemnation because you know that you have done right by them, Robbi. You have been the good daughter.

No need to injudise (the word verification "word.")

Robbi said...

I like your word verification word, Marly! How fitting.
Yes, I think that is part of it, that I know I have done all I could have, and now it is out of my hands. That is freeing, in a way, though sad. It is not my responsibility.