Thursday, April 22, 2010

More of the Same

I just came back from a heartbreaking and harrowing trip to the doctor's with both my parents. My mom is same as always. Her UTI has cleared up, and her eyes are open most of the day because of that, though her mental state is really not much better and her mobility not at all better. She must get about in a wheelchair now, and cannot go to the bathroom or anywhere else by herself.
My dad is worse. He looks gray and tired, startling easily, and can barely push his walker along the path. He has told the caregivers and me that he will not go back to the hospital. Should he have another small heart attack like the one he had last week, he said, he will not tell anyone because he just wants to die in peace, since there is nothing to be done about it. He has asked to go on hospice, a decision that startled and saddened the physician's assistant who was speaking with him, since he has always been the most alive person in the room. But his mind is made up. He is ready to get a wheelchair, and to give up.

6 comments:

Lou said...

I'm sorry for all the sadness, Robbi.

Robbi said...

It is tremendously sad, but at least I was relieved of the responsibility of giving up for him. He was spared that.

Rebel Girl said...

It sounds like you're doing what you need to do for them, what you can, what they need. take care.

Robbi said...

Thanks Reb, Lou.

liz said...

RobbiI think in keeping with every way I am familar with your father, albeit mostly through your eyes, at his point he may have been given the inner wisdom to know the difference between giving up and surrendering to the forces none of us can control.Your are a wonderful daughter to a man who, sadly unlike my father, amazes me with such self realization in the midst of ultimate turmoil. I honor it and so hope I can understand how to be in that place when it is my turn. Being present to him wisely and earnestly as you are, seems to be the only thing now.  I'll support you in friendship any way I am able.

Robbi said...

Liz,
Yes, it is amazing how much presence of mind he has. Sometimes he is afraid, and has doubts, of course, but he is dealing with this bravely and above all, sanely.
Thank you for your offer of help, when I know that your plate is overflowing.