Friday, July 23, 2010

Bring in the Clones

I keep dreaming about my mother. It is odd because I don't dream about dad. Last night in the dream, for some reason I was getting married again to R. Perhaps it was because the first time, many years ago, I couldn't invite any of my relatives except my parents because if I did, my parents said they would not come. They said they didn't want my grandmother to know I was marrying a non-Jew. I cried my whole wedding night because I was so sad I could not tell my cousins and because my parents blackmailed me like that.
In this dream, I was very surprised to see my mother. She was facing away from me when I came into the room, and all I saw at first was the disembodied wedding dress standing in the middle of the room, waiting for me. But she was sitting in a chair, having her hair done by my cousin, who is a hairdresser. When I saw her, I thought she was me, and I wondered what I was doing sitting in the middle of the room when I was supposed to be standing where I was.
Her mental state was awful, and though she could walk in this dream, she mostly crept around under the table, rather like the woman in The Yellow Wallpaper, and ran away. I ran after her, my wedding dress streaming behind me.
I know I am afraid that my mental state will deteriorate as my mother's did, and that in fact it is already going in that direction, with the hoarding. But my mother's life was very different from mine, and so was her personality. I am hoping that my yoga, reading, writing, and working will save me.


Lou said...

How very scary, Robbi--I am sorry. Your mother is an peace now, released from those demons. Only in your dreams are you still trailed by the old hurts and fears.

Robbi said...

That's true, and as my therapist pointed out, I am NOT my mother, and live under very different circumstances.